The Sopranos: Carmela - The Mob Wife

The Sopranos, being a show about mafiosos, is obviously a male dominated show. The mobsters of the DiMeo family make up the majority of the show's story. But the Sopranos is also groundbreaking for its focus on the female perspective, and nowhere is this clearer than in Carmela Soprano, the wife of Tony Soprano and female lead of the show.

Carmela is a controversial figure in the community. Like other wife characters in television, some people seem to hate her, though not at all to the level of someone like Skyler White. The reasons for this include her judgemental nature, her elitism, and most of all her hypocrisy. But I think that most people recognize how important Carmela is to the show. In my opinion, she's not only one of the best characters in the show, she's also one of the most fascinating women in all of television.

So in this video, let's examine Carmela Soprano, the quintessential mob wife.

Carmela is the wife of Tony Soprano, having been high school sweethearts and married to him for 18 years. Together they have two children: Meadow and AJ. While Tony was the breadwinner, Carmela took care of the children and the house. And while she and Tony undoubtedly love each other, their relationship is complicated by his lifestyle, spending a lot of time away taking care of his business and his continuous cheating.

One of Carmela's defining traits is her Catholic faith. She is devoted to the church, with her closest companion being Father Phil Intintola. Carmela takes an active role in church activities, frequently leading charity events. However Carmela's faith underscores a hypocrisy in her life, which is how her husband provides for their family.

Unlike some other wife characters, Carmela has always known what her husband did for a living. Though her parents are normal citizens, it's implied that her family had mob connections. Christopher's father Dickie was related to Carmela's, which is why Tony considers him family.

It's also implied that Carmela's family benefited from Tony's mob connections. Her father Hugh owns a construction company, and Tony was able to make sure he got the jobs he wanted as well as bribe inspectors to make sure that he could cut corners on construction.

Tony's illegal activities are a source of conflicting feelings for Carmela. She's fully aware that they way they live their life runs against God's commandments. However she also really enjoys the perks of being a mob wife, having lots of expensive things and never having to work herself. Her faith then becomes a performative ritual, with her crying and confessing in order to ease her guilt without having to actually change her lifestyle.

But her feelings about being a mob wife go even deeper than that. Despite enjoying the power she has as the queen bee of the other mafia wives, she is also deeply resentful of her situation. She knows that Tony is constantly unfaithful to her, and though she accepts it when it's kept a secret, she is extremely upset whenever it's brought up to her.

Carmela tries to get back at Tony in her own way. She has multiple attempts at an emotional and physical affair, with Vic Musto, Furio Guinta, and Mr. Wegler. Even her relationship with Father Phil is part of this, with Carmela giving herself to him spiritually and even coming close to physicality.

It’s interesting to look at the men Carmela goes for. Though they are all very different from each other, they all share a sensitivity and an interest in Carmela that Tony lacks. Her attempts at an affair are more about the emotional neglect she feels with Tony, rather than just a sexual one.

But more than just the cheating, what Carmela is really resentful of is how little control she has over her own life. As a mob wife, she doesn't have to work. But while she has no desire to work a normal job, she wants the power and independence that other women like Angie Bonpensiero and even her own daughter Meadow have by not being dependent on a man.

Now Carmela’s obsession with their finances and planning for their future is a practical one. Despite Tony’s promises, she is absolutely right that if Tony died, the mob would leave her high and dry, just like we saw with the widows of the other mobsters. But it’s not just about the money. For her, money is an extension for control over her life, but she’s not willing to risk her lifestyle by trying to go out on her own.

Instead she makes passive aggressive attempts at independence while remaining in her comfortable lifestyle. After finding out about another of Tony’s affairs, she steals 40 thousand dollars that Tony has hidden in the bird feeder, investing it into the stock market. And she forces Tony to donate money to Columbia university in order to ensure Meadow’s continued favor by the dean.

Even after she gets fed up with Tony cheating and separates from him in Season 5, she eventually reconciles with him after realizing how difficult it would be to get away from him. However she takes the opportunity to force him into agreeing to her terms, promising to never reveal his affairs again and giving her 600 thousand dollars to build a spec house to provide for her future if Tony is ever killed.

This hypocrisy is one of the most fascinating things about Carmela. She herself admits that she's not a feminist. She doesn't want true equality, she wants power and independence without the responsibility of working for it.

However while this is obviously a hypocritical philosophy, she's not alone in wanting contradictory things. Tony himself is very much the same, hating the person he has to be in order to be a mafia boss but unwilling to leave the lifestyle behind him.

And for all the talk of Carmela being a gold digger only interested in Tony for his money, we should also acknowledge that Carmela was willing to leave the life if it meant Tony was safe.